Armchair Imagineering: Disneyland Merch That Should Exist

On this blog, perhaps more often than I should, I sometimes wind up speculating about Disneyland merchandise that I wish existed, from LEGO sets to plastic figurines to more LEGOs. Considering that I really can't justify purchasing a lot of the totally awesome goods that already do exist,* it's probably gross folly for me to keep imagining more, but you know, I just can't help myself. I'm not a terribly ambitious person, but if I can prompt just one person to post that Futurama meme—you know the one—it will be a point of pride.

Thus far, I have focused on Disneyland-based toys that I wish existed, because a) I am a giant nerd who never really outgrew toys, b) toys are usually not very expensive, whereas collectibles intended for grown-ups can be prohibitively so, and c) Disneyland and toys go really well together. The park sells gobs of plush animals and action figures and pretend weapons and children's costumes, some of which are even specific to Disney theme parks. For this post, I plan to branch out from that, but I'm kind of freewheeling it, so we'll have to wait and see what all I come up with.

Land-Based Hats

This idea is partly new merch and partly a change in the way existing merch is arranged and presented. If you've been following this blog for any length of time, you're aware that love Disneyland's area theming. I think they should do more to promote it as an attractive feature in itself, not just a convenient way to divide up the map. One way to do that would be to encourage guests to think of the lands themselves as places to visit, where characters both famous and not actually live, and one way to do that is by retooling the presentation of one of the most quintessential categories of Disneyland souvenir: the hats.

Currently, the park has several dedicated hat shops, which have basically identical stock, and a few places where more specialized headwear might be found—you can get beach hats in Adventureland, for instance. I'd like to see a scenario where each land has a shop that sells hats, whether as the focal point of its stock or as part of a larger range of merchandise, but the designs on offer are restricted to the land's theme. Yes, your basic black mouse-ear beanie would still be available pretty much everywhere, but apart from that:

• Main Street, USA: Actually, the Mad Hatter of Main Street might have to be the one shop that keeps its generic range of hats, given the way Main Street itself functions as one giant Disneyland gift shop. But the Emporium, now, that could go period with top hats, bowlers, straw boaters, and of course those frou-frou Edwardian ladies' hats with all the ostrich feathers.
• Adventureland: Here you can already find the aforementioned beach hats, as well as Indiana Jones-style fedoras. To that I would add mock pith helmets, leaf and flower crowns, and novelty hats resembling the heads of wild animals.
• New Orleans Square: There used to be an actual high-end hat shop here called Le Chapeau, selling fashionable hats for actual wear in serious grown-up situations. This proved to be an unsustainable business model for a theme park setting and it closed in the Seventies, but I think there's something to the idea of stocking stylish hats in New Orleans Square, which is after all the most stylish part of Disneyland. Just don't make them expensive ones—mall kiosk grade should be fine. Come up with a selection of 1920s styles to accompany the pirate hats and bandanas and Nightmare Before Christmas foam junk, toss in some Mardi Gras crowns and belled caps, and that's a New Orleans Square hat selection people can sink their teeth into.**
• Critter Country: Some character hats would certainly be appropriate here, such as Winnie The Pooh beanies. I would also include a few rustic styles—simple felt brimmed hats, bucket hats, and the like—and an assortment of animal ear headbands. Remember that the idea here is that people should be able to buy hats that make them feel like an honorary citizen of the land where the shop is located. I might throw Davy Crockett coonskin caps into the mix here as well—this is where the canoes are officially headquarted, after all, and who can forget Sammy?
• Frontierland: We'd definitely have coonskin caps here, as well as straw “farmer” style hats (for the Tom Sawyer connection), sombreros, and cowboy hats in multiple styles and colors—including, yes, Woody and Jessie versions. However, I would want to avoid any sort of native feather headdress. That sort of thing is too fraught with controversy regarding cultural appropriation and Disneyland doesn't need to be on the wrong side of that conversation. If you want Frontierland feathers, you might just have to go with an elasticated headband like the dance-hall girls wear.
• Fantasyland: The Mad Hatter of Fantasyland would be where most of the character hats would be found, from the simple green Peter Pan cocked hat to those weird ones that look like Mickey Mouse shaved his head and tattooed part of Tinker Bell's face on his forehead. To say nothing of all the hennins and tiaras for aspiring princesses. But what about their counterparts? I think Disney is long overdue to start stocking some generic “prince” hats—I think they have a Prince Philip cocked hat, but I'm thinking more along the lines of floppy velvet with feathers. Might as well get some silver lamé "knight helmets" in there as well, along with wizard hats (not just the Sorcerer Mickey one), dragon hoods, and other staples of the fairy-tale genre even if they aren't related to animated movies specifically.
• Mickey's Toontown: If the basic black mouse ears beanie (bow optional) can be found anywhere, then the Toontown Five & Dime is the place to get all the non-character related color variants, as well as hats evoking the other classic characters—Donald squeaky beaks, Goofy hats with dangling ears, you know the ones. Oswald beanies can go here too.
• Tomorrowland: There aren't many generic futuristic hat concepts, are there? Astronaut helmets, I guess, but you can't exactly sell theme park guests an airtight plastic bubble to put over their head. I guess we're mostly stuck with the IP-related merch for this one.

Wow, that was just one idea for Disneyland merch that I'd be interested in. What else have I got?

“it's a small world” Mantel Clock

I'm honestly surprised this one doesn't already exist...unless it does, and I'm just an idiot. The idea is pretty straightforward: a mantelpiece-scale clock based on the “it's a small world” clock tower, like a miniature version of the ride façade itself. Would it include a mechanism to recreate the doll parade? You bet it would! But I'm thinking either that function would be push-button rather than automatic, or you'd have the option to set a “night mode” so the dang thing wouldn't wake you up every fifteen minutes.

Seriously, why doesn't this thing exist (unless it does)?

Disneyland Tea Cups

Okay. So a version of this does exist, and here it is:

The problem is, those aren't our Tea Cups. Those are Orlando's Tea Cups. This is why the two parks are not interchangeable and should not be treated as such in the merchandising, people. These are Disneyland's Tea Cups:

The Storybook Land sign in the background proves it.

I want a tea set that looks like this, with these clean-lined floral and playing-card motifs. And the corresponding solid-color cups, come to think of it. That makes an astonishing 18 cups and saucers in all, more than almost anyone needs...maybe they could be split up into three different sets of six? Or even sold individually? I'm sure lots of people would collect all of them, just to have their very own tabletop Mad Tea Party. Ooh, supplemental idea! A lazy Susan made to be specifically compatible with the cups!

I suppose there should also be a teapot—sold separately, of course. Our version of the ride has never featured a central teapot the way Orlando's does, but if one isn't available, people will be stuck using any old teapot they have on hand, and that just won't do. So we would need a teapot with a unique but harmonious design to go with our 18 (!) cups. Might I humbly suggest this?

This cup isn't part of the ride itself, so it doesn't necessarily need to be sold as a cup. Problem solved!

Model Roller Coaster Kits

When I was a kid, I had this toy called SpaceWarp, which was a kit for building a model roller coaster, only with steel marbles instead of trains and a spiral elevator instead of a chainlift. (A Google search suggests that it still exists under the name Space Rail.) There was an “official” model design that would use up all the parts supplied, but of course you could didn't have to follow that plan. I used to spend hours rearranging the supports and rails, seeing if I could make a loop work, etc. It was kickass.

Wouldn't it be even more kickass if Disney rolled out their own versions with aesthetic elements echoing their signature roller coasters? Maybe your ideal Space Mountain includes a loop, or you think Big Thunder Mountain should have a dual track, or the Matterhorn should include a second lift for a big drop at the end. Wouldn't it be nice to try that out on a tabletop scale?

And with that, I think my creativity is exhausted for the week. Maybe someday I'll get back to the insightful posts about attractions and shows that actually do exist.

* Le Bat en Rouge will be my undoing one of these days. They need to stop.

** I'll mix metaphors if I dang well please.